OH MY GOD

What is going on with infomercials these days? When I was younger, they were all rainbows and butterflies...advertising things like the Flow-Bee (OR if you're familiar with Wayne's World, you'll know the Suck-Cut - "it really sucks!") or Ginsu knives - THE MOST POWERFUL KNIVES IN THE WORLD!!! That's right, they cut through shoes and tires and drain pipes and whatever else you would never think to cut with a knife.
But, there's been a recent uptick in the depression factor of infomercials, preying on the innocent heartstrings of sucker TV audiences everywhere. These are the ones where you have to change the channel IMMEDIATELY, or you get sucked in by the beautiful celebrity endorsing the cause and the sad, sad pictures of ailing children and puppies, accompanied by uber depressing music.
Case in point:
The SPCA - Whenever this 'mercial comes on, I wanna be like F you SPCA...and Sarah McLachlan...and whatshername from Just Shoot Me. Those mange-covered kitties and shaking puppies are too much for me to handle. I was just trying to watch The Office and laugh at silly, impossible human interactions, and then you slap me in the face with a shot of a puppy that is crying...I SWEAR THAT PUPPY IS CRYING! I would normally just chalk this up to my being a huge sucker and animal lover. However, I was in a bike shop the other day with a bunch of tough, edgy, hipster bike messengers watching highlights from the Tour de France. Then - BAM - there's Sarah McLachlan asking you to make the puppies stop crying. The bike dudes turned off the TV, after they decided 'they couldn't take how sad Sarah was making them.'
Now, I'm not a big believer in the power of advertising but as soon as I see the images of these sad, neglected animals, I'm ready to run to the nearest shelter and steal as many puppies and kitties that will fit in my pack. Which reminds me of a much funnier scene about freeing puppies and kitties and bunnies and snakes from Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure.
So, ladies and gentleman, consider yourself warned against today's infomercial scare tactics. If you happen to flip the channels and come across crying puppies, Sarah McLachlan/Sally Struthers/whatshername from Just Shoot Me, children with cleft pallets or some other depressing shit, change the channel immediately. Oh and don't forget to spay and neuter your pets.